The Mona Schreiber Prize for 
Humorous Fiction and Nonfiction
 
Writers of comedic essays, articles, short stories, poetry, shopping lists and other forms are invited to submit.

Mona founded the Foster City (CA) Writers Contest, taught creative writing for San Mateo County and published humorous articles and essays in newspapers and magazines. Her son Brad founded the Prize in 2000 and judges the submissions.

Here is a sample of Mona's work, first published in the Foster City Progress newspaper, embarrassing her high school age son with the article Scrape Him Off...He's Mine.

 
 

Works up to 750 words in length should be typed, double-spaced, accompanied by a money order or check for $5 to cover administrative costs, payable to "The Mona Schreiber Prize." No limit to entries but each must have a separate fee. Put contact information directly above the title and text on your first page.

No SASEs, please. Include e-mail address for notification of winners. All entries must be postmarked by December 1 for a December 24 announcement of three winners: 1st: $500. 2nd: $250. 3rd: $100. Entries are not returned and must be unpublished. Winners will have their entries posted on www.brashcyber.com. All other rights belong to the authors. Humor is subjective. Uniqueness is suggested. Weirdness is encouraged.

The Mona Schreiber Prize for Humorous Fiction and Nonfiction, 3940 Laurel Canyon Blvd. #566, Studio City, California 91604 USA

 
 

Winners of the 2013 Mona Schreiber Prize for 
Humorous Fiction and Nonfiction:

1st Place, 2013: “Placid Grove” © Julian Axelrod, Los Angeles, CA

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Lewis Goldfarb,

Welcome to Placid Grove Retirement Home. We look forward to having you join our community. Here at Placid Grove, we pride ourselves on our commitment to giving our residents the best possible care. In that spirit, here are a few rules you should keep in mind during your stay here:

Placid Grove is an eco-friendly facility, so please help us reduce water use by reusing towels. If it’s on the floor, that’s how we know to pick it up.

Keeping with our eco-friendly policy, we ask our residents to make a weekly sacrifice to pacify the Earth goddess, Gaia. Any small children or animals will suffice, but please DO NOT REUSE TOWELS for your sacrifice. Gaia will know. She always knows.

Tuesday night is Bingo Night. Place your bets but watch out. It gets pretty competitive.

Our staff works very hard, so we ask that you refrain from imprisoning, detaining or holding them captive in any way. It’s immoral, illegal and frankly, just plain rude. Plus, if you can’t take care of yourself, how do you expect to keep a hostage in stable condition? Help us help you.

Wednesday night is Hostage Fights. Place your bets but watch out. It gets pretty competitive.

During your stay at Placid Grove, you may hear some residents mention a man named Tom Reynaldo, a former dictionary salesman who died under mysterious circumstances while guarding a terrible secret and is now said to roam these halls at night, hoping to find a respite from his inner torment through senseless bloodlust. Sadly, these residents suffer from serious dementia and are known to make up elaborate stories to spook other patients. It’s best to ignore most of what they say. (The Tom Reynaldo story, however, is true. We have no way of stopping him. Maybe, don’t wear white? He has a thing about people wearing white.)

This should be fairly obvious, but it’s a problem we run into on a regular basis, so we’ll say it again: Bedrooms are for sleeping, NOT for cooking meth.

Please do not set off Civil War era cannons in the hallway. If you must fire cannons, please do it outside in our designated cannon field. (Post Civil War cannons are perfectly acceptable.)

Visiting hours are 10-5 Monday through Friday, 11-7 Saturday and 12-5 Sunday. All visitors are welcome, as long as you sign them in and they’re not my whore ex-wife Cheryl. YOU HEAR THAT, CHERYL? I’M THE KING OF PLACID GROVE AND YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED IN MY KINGDOM. SO WHO’S THE ONE CRYING DURING SEX NOW, CHERYL?

Our tennis court is currently submerged in an unidentifiable toxic waste, so if you see any strange reptiles crawling around by the half-court line, just avoid angering them. We’re not quite sure what they are, but we do know they’re stronger than us and growing more powerful every day.

We think that about covers it. But if you run into any other issues during your time here, just contact one of our staff members. DO NOT alert the police or any government agencies, because they are “tired” of our “shenanigans.” (In this case, “shenanigans” is a polite way of saying “tax fraud.”)

Enjoy your stay here at Placid Grove.

Sincerely, The Staff


2nd place, 2013: “Party Platter” © Christopher Hivner, Dallastown, PA

Notice tacked to the community bulletin board at Fothermucker’s Fine Foods on June 10, 2013

It’s Fun Fun Fun Time
Come one, come all
To the Harper County Fire Hall,
Gene Replacement Clinic
and Motorcycle Crash Museum
to help our little town of Huffmuffen
celebrate birthday 100 on September 13

Food will be provided by
Jack’s Jerky Wagon:
JACK’S, the place to come for meat.
There will be games and prizes
for the kids, plus a live band,
Ken and the Power Tools

Get your tickets
To the year’s biggest party
Right here at Fothermucker’s:
Fothermucker’s, quality food at quality prices
sold by quality people
to other quality people and packed in
quality plastic bags in a
quality amount of time.
Don’t forget Fothermucker’s for
your next graduation, bris or
emergency c-section

Notice tacked to the community bulletin board at Fothermucker’s Fine Foods on July 13, 2013

Only 2 months left
until the big day.
It’s our town’s 100th birthday
And you’re invited to the party.
Come out to
the Harper County Fire Hall,
Botanical Gardens and
Superfly Jimmy Snuka School of Wrestling

There have been some changes
in the festivities.
Jack’s Jerky Wagon
has closed down
due to 387 health code violations
including serving snapping turtles
as chicken,
but we are very lucky to have
Grandpa Willie’s Wild West
Wings, Whoopie Pies and Watermelon
step in to provide the food.
Also the band has changed.
Ken and the Power Tools
have broken up
and gone back to their jobs
at the rendering plant so
we have replaced them with

The Mighty Koi Fish Orchestra

Remember to get your tickets
Right here at Fothermucker’s:
Fothermucker’s. We’ll sell anything,
Anytime to anyone for any price and
take anything in payment.
Don’t forget Fothermucker’s
for your next
wedding, retirement party or
lawsuit settlement brunch

Notice tacked to the community bulletin board at Fothermucker’s Fine Foods on August 1, 2013

So what’s the problem, people?
Free food and entertainment
not enough for you?
It’s only a month
until the birthday bash
and only 3 tickets have
been “purchased.”
They’re FREE!
Just go up to Mrs. Wimple
at the service desk
and ask for a ticket.

OK, there have been
more changes.
Grandpa Willie was found dead
on the toilet at his restaurant.
Apparently he’d been there for 11 days
and no one noticed, so they’ve
gone out of business.
The food will now be provided by
The Beefaroni Brothers Deli,
although we can’t afford
the pastrami and salami and such.
The menu will be ham salad
and bologna sandwiches
and I don’t want to hear complaining.
This is your fault for not
giving to the birthday fund
when I asked you to six months ago
or 5 months ago or 4 months ago.

The band has changed again.
The Mighty Koi Orchestra
all have hepatitis.
Gee I wonder how that happened?
Maybe Justine Myers knows something
about it. Just sayin’.
We’ve hired
The Filthy Butt Nuggets.
They’re only in the 8th grade
But they can play.

Get your tickets at Fothermucker’s:
Fothermucker’s. They sell crap and you buy it.
Don’t forget them the next time
you need a cake or a quart of wine.

Notice tacked to the community bulletin board at Fothermucker’s Fine Foods on August 21, 2013

Why do I bother?
6
That’s how many of you are coming to the party.
Well, we’re going to have
a great time.
Tiki’s Tamales is providing the food
since the Beefaroni brothers were deported.
Also, The Filthy Butt Nuggets
have all been grounded so
my Uncle Dave
is bringing his guitar
for the music.

TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE
AT FOTHERMUCKER’S
COME ON!

Notice tacked to the community bulletin board at Fothermucker’s Fine Foods on September 17, 2013

I hate this town.
Yesterday was the party
For Huffmuffen’s 100th birthday
and NO ONE showed up.
I have 10% beef burritos
And turkey tacos
going bad in my fridge,
the ice sculpture
of the town’s mascot,
Frack, the rabid racoon,
Melted in my backyard
and my Uncle Dave
has disappeared.
I found his guitar
in a pine tree but haven’t
seen him since Tuesday.
I think he may have
been abducted again.
If anyone knows anything
please call me at
717-890-0871

Oh, yeah,
Fothermucker’s, where
no one reads
the frickin’ bulletin board.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3rd place, 2013: “Thy Kingdom Comb” © Kerreanna DiMauro

Dear Nikki,

There was some miscommunication regarding the haircut I got at your salon, Knock Knock Whose Hair, last Thursday. You probably don’t remember me. I asked for a pixie crop. I provided a visual of actress Jennifer Lawrence from a lady magazine for simple and easy reference. Ring any bells? I wanted short and chic. A fresh, low-maintenance ‘do. What I got was fuzzy coconut style with horrible Joan of Arc bangs. I’m anxiously waiting for hat season and only venturing outdoors when it is absolutely necessary.

What happened? I thought you, my trusted stylist, understood my hair needs. I’m rocking the look of a slightly demented, ill-kempt sheep. I’m assuming you deliberately meant to give me this style and that this style is hot. No? Didn’t think so.

Call me a sappy, sentimental fool, but people just look better with a good haircut and sometimes looking better helps you get laid.

You see where I’m going with this, Nikki?

My extreme cut paved the way for some very interesting OKCupid dates. Before heading out to meet my dates, I cranked up the makeup and pretty jewelry that were fruits or birds or something. (I don’t really know. I had the lights off.) One date made a joke about my rebel haircut, remarking that I looked like his handsome Dad back in 1976. At least I think he was joking. Another guy said, “Your neck has never looked better.”

It’s bad enough you made one side of my head consist of too many asymmetrical layers, but now it seems I’ve got a rogue little mullet growing in the back. I essentially have two different haircuts at once. Guess I don’t have to worry about untangling my cascading, curly locks any more. All my curls are gone. Every. Last. Curl. My fears of rowdy kids pulling on my flowing mane on the subway have now subsided. And I’m definitely saving money on shampoo, so thank you for that. I’ve dubbed my haircut Librarian with a Tousled Bedhead Mohawk. It currently has one thousand followers on Twitter. #HockeyPlayerHaircut

Naturally, what troubles me the most is that I paid big fat bucks for this hair-chop. No less than 4 pieces of heavy equipment and 3 tubes of creams were used to create this “effortless” look. Just playing Devil’s Haircut here, but couldn’t you have put down your lit cigarette and cell phone and paid more attention to your creation? I’m just thankful I turned down your offer for a free eyebrow waxing.

The hair wreck you gave me is worse than the uneven pageboy I got at Clippity Do-Da, not to mention the hair disaster I paid for at Ooooh Girl Who Did Your Hair salon. And let’s not forget going in for the dreaded routine pap smear. My visit to your beauty salon was far worse.

If it’s beyond repair and you cannot magically reverse my hair buzz, then I will need NASA-approved styling products right away. I’m open to daily hair vitamins. If you try to offer me sparkly hair clips or bobby pins, I hope you can run like Usain Bolt.

I know, I know. It’s only hair and it will grow back, but I also know it takes a while and our hair is our crown and glory. Still, I should put this experience into perspective. I have my health, my family and my friends (for now).

I need a brand new activity to minimize my discomfort during the awkward grow-out stage. Any suggestions? Maybe I’ll volunteer at a homeless shelter or nursing home or the local hospital. Nah. I need a change. I need more edge. Stalking sounds like fun.

Hey, you’re the one who wisely stated, with a smirk, “Change isn’t always a bad thing.” Regretting those words now? Ahh. You DO remember me.

I’m glad you’re scared, Nikki.

Oh, don’t worry. I’m harmless. Although my hairstyle says otherwise.

Sincerely,

Catherine Locks
a.k.a. “Cat in the Hat”

 
 

Winners of the 2012 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2011 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2010 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2009 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2008 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2007 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2006 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2005 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2004 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2003 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2002 Mona Schreiber Prize

Winners of the 2001 Mona Schreiber Prize


Mona with the winners of the first
Foster City Writers Contest, which she founded in 1974.
Left to right: Mayor Jim Dufflemeyer, Stephanie Chang, Wolfgang Molke, Mary Ann Benoit, Mona and Carole Di Camillo.